Gifts

Something wasn’t right. I suddenly found myself in a surreal mental state, feeling a bit detached from reality. “Give me a minute,” I weakly said to Tyler, the young man serving as my guide for the week on the Ponil Ranch in northern New Mexico. I unbuckled the straps to my pack and let it drop to the ground, where I then summarily half-fell / half-eased myself down and leaned back against it. “Water. I just need some water,” I thought to myself. I retrieved a bottle from one of the pack’s exterior pockets and poured it down my throat as I caught my breath. I foggily concluded that I’d simply become dehydrated over the course of the last couple of hours, foregoing all measures of self-preservation to focus on the task at hand as the temperature climbed into the upper 70’s. Just dehydrated, that’s it. Or was it?

The sudden infusion of high levels of adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine, dopamine, and other stress hormones can have profound short-term effects on the human body and brain: increased heart and respiratory rates, enhanced visual acuity, auditory exclusion, time distortion, increased pain tolerance and explosive strength to name a few. The body is a remarkable machine. Conversely, once the need for these emergency enhancements has passed, the body and brain have to go through a period of recovery or decompression as it clears those chemicals from the bloodstream, creating some of the opposite effects: fatigue, loss of concentration, poor dexterity, brain fog, etc. Maybe that’s where I was. But I’m not sure. A few moments before dropping my pack and myself unceremoniously onto the dry New Mexico ground, I’d told Tyler that it was really weird, but in the last hour or so I’d experienced about seven or eight episodes of déjà vu; that bizarre phenomenon of feeling like you’ve lived a particular experience before. Was it the sudden hormone dump, the fatigue, the dehydration? I couldn’t say for sure; all I really could say is that I’d just experienced the culminating moments of a hunt that I’d dreamed of my whole life. But I’ve gotten ahead of myself…

“Are you doing anything for lunch?” my friend Blake asked over the phone one fateful day in early August. “No, nothing special. You wanna meet up somewhere?” was my unsuspecting reply. Blake is a brother in Christ and one of a small group of men with whom I meet regularly to share breakfast and fellowship. I innocently assumed that our impromptu lunch may simply be an extension of that fellowship, and while it was certainly on the agenda, what he hit me with took me by complete surprise: an invitation to join him on an archery hunt for elk in northern New Mexico. Since my childhood days of consuming all manner of western hunting stories in the pages of Outdoor Life, Field & Stream and the like, I’d dreamed of a hunting adventure “out west,” somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, far away from my Georgia home. But as is often the case, life happened along the way, and I found myself in my mid-fifties wondering if it ever would happen and, if I’m being truthful, secretly suspecting that it would not. But at this stage of life, I no longer believe in coincidence; I possess a certainty that the Lord’s hand is in all things, and I believe this was no exception. This impromptu lunch with Blake would be just the first of many such examples on this journey.

A few weeks later, we embarked on an exceptionally pleasant cross-country drive to our destination in Blake’s 4×4, overloaded with so much gear and extra coolers that I’m certain we bore a remarkable resemblance to the Clampetts striking out from the Ozarks of Missouri, headed to the hills of Bever-lee. We arrived at the Ponil Ranch in Colfax County and acquainted ourselves with the outfitter, Colorado Buck, and his guides. Soon enough, steaks came off the grill, bellies were full, and I found myself lying in my bunk with the window open, listening to the nighttime Rockies and feeling the brush of cool, clean air flow into the room. I laid awake for a long while, my mind filled with the same visions of adventure I had as a young boy, when I used to fall asleep in my room with the bedside lamp on, with back-issues of Outdoor Life scattered across my bed.

Awakened by the rumble of the camp generator, we enjoyed a hasty cowboy breakfast of eggs and potatoes before Tyler and I set out on the short drive from camp to the spot colloquially known as “Phone Booth,” so named due to its ability to grant just barely enough of a cell phone signal to make a call or send a text message if the user was standing in just the right spot. As I stood outside the truck in the profound darkness, absolutely mesmerized by the brightness of the stars at that elevation with no ambient light pollution, it occurred to me that I was about to step off into exactly the adventure of which I’d always dreamed. Overwhelmed with gratitude for this opportunity, and bordering on becoming slightly emotional about the whole thing, I bowed my head with misty eyes and offered a silent prayer of thanks for my friend’s generosity and the Lord’s gifts. And we stepped off into the Rockies.

As we made our way to Chase Canyon, light from the east rolled back the night, revealing scenery like that from my imagination, imprinted there long ago by the likes of Jack O’Connor and other famous western hunters and writers. Rock cliffs, ridges covered in oak brush, stands of dark pine timber, open grass meadows connecting all the canyon drainages; it seemed like a postcard in every direction. The smell of fresh sagebrush blew strongly on the breeze and filled my nostrils. I attempted to refrain from going full tourist-mode and stay focused on locating elk, but I couldn’t help but take quick snapshots at every opportunity. Fortunately, Tyler seemed unfazed by my wonder-stricken activities as he diligently glassed ahead and searched for the slightest tell-tale sign of elk. At one point, after a mildly taxing push to the top of a ridgeline to glass and listen, Tyler suddenly dropped his binoculars away from his eyes and leaned over within whispering distance. “Listen… do you hear that? That kinda sounds like an elk stomping. What is that?” It was then I realized that I should probably inform him: “You should probably know- I have a mechanical aortic heart valve,” I whispered. “You’re hearing my valve- it’s echoing into my bino harness.” He looked at me incredulously. “It’s noisy, but I’m fine. If you stop hearing it, then be worried.” Indeed, I’d not really thought about it since I’ve simply grown accustomed to the sound in the years since the surgery. But with my bino harness in the open position and the binos out, it acted like a hollow bass drum, amplifying the thump/click of the carbon and titanium device in my chest. The look on Tyler’s face became a comical combination of confusion and bewilderment, ending in a grin and a head shake. After our unexpected moment of humor, we were back to glassing and searching.

As the morning wore on and we racked up mileage in our quest, it started becoming evident that any significant bugling activity had yet to commence for the season and that staging an ambush at a water source may be the best strategy. In fact, unbeknownst to us at the time, Blake had nearly got a shot at a mature bull as it and two juveniles visited a water hole that same morning. But then a steady rain set in, resulting in abundant water sources and reducing the likelihood of elk concentrating on any particular hole.

After an entire afternoon of steady drizzle, accompanied by a long, muddy slog back to the truck and an unproductive ground blind sit on a waterhole, we soggily retired to the camp. But my spirits were still high; it was only day one, after all. A warm meal, dry clothes, and a soft bunk later, and we were ready for day two.

The second morning found us on a slightly longer truck ride but a much shorter walk to a familiar water hole known as “Brian’s Windmill,” named after one of the ranch’s longtime guides. After seeing the state of disrepair in which the windmill stood (the entire top half had apparently been blown over by high winds), I was somewhat perplexed as to why Brian would want his good name sullied by being associated with it. Since he was not guiding on this particular hunt, I hadn’t been afforded the opportunity to meet him. Perhaps the windmill matched his personality or stature in some way? I couldn’t be sure. At any rate, an all-day sit at this location, while sunny and enjoyable, proved fruitless until almost last light, when a noise emanated from down-canyon that I, having an untrained ear for elk, couldn’t clearly discern. Tyler however quickly informed me it was a distant bugle/chuckle, and then spoke words that absolutely wrecked my central nervous system: “He’s coming in.” That simple statement traveled through my ears, into my brain, and down to my torso and appendages, setting into motion a nearly debilitating case of the shakes. Now, I’ve grown accustomed to minor bouts of buck fever, but nothing with which I couldn’t contend. But this was a belted magnum case of the shakes, the likes of which I had not experienced since I was a kid too young to tote a deer rifle, but old enough for my Dad to place me in a treestand seven feet off the ground within eyesight of his own, only to have a huge whitetail doe walk right underneath me. The shaking was so bad it caught Tyler’s attention and prompted a sly grin, accompanied by, “Are you alright?” But alas, the bull never spoke again or made his appearance, and as shooting light faded, we eased from the blind and made our way back to the truck. Having never seen an elk in person nor heard one bugle, I silently hoped that the next day would bring a true encounter that could not be mistaken.

Bolstered by the previous evening’s events, the morning of day three found us set up on yet another water hole in Chase Canyon, near the Chase well, after hiking in through an area called “Colorado’s Basin,” (presumably named after our host), all while glassing and listening to no avail. Determined to wait it out, we spent the remainder of the day there and despite the abundant elk sign in the area, the highlight of our day was watching a ground squirrel make one trip after another from his den in the bank of the water hole into the surrounding brush, gathering morsels to stock up his larder for the coming winter.

Mindful on the morning of the fourth day that thus far our entire hunting party of four had nothing to show for our efforts, I still maintained a degree of optimism and reminded myself that this was my hunt of a lifetime, and it was far from over. As Tyler and I returned to “Phone Booth” to begin another trek into Chase Canyon, we agreed that sitting on a water hole again was not the way we wanted to attack. Today we would be on the move. If the elk weren’t coming to us, we’d go find them. Once again, we moved through the canyons and draws, traveling along the fringes of the pinyon and ponderosa pine stands, pausing to glass the surrounding slopes, ridges, and meadows. We repeated the process for a couple of miles approaching the area known as “Turkey Track,” given its name due to the aerial view of the three-branched canyon resembling a gobbler’s footprint.

Pausing for a water break, Tyler’s demeanor suddenly changed as he directed his attention to “Middle Road,” a four-wheel drive two-track that made its way up the canyon. While once again my untrained ears heard nothing, he informed me that he thought he’d heard a distant bugle, so we started in that direction. Working our way further up Middle Road, we diverted along the tree line into a small draw off to our left. Having heard nothing for some time and seen no more that some mule deer sheds and a curious discovery of two bear skulls- one adult and one cub- we stood at the edge of a semi-open area of pines between two small finger ridges, covered with oak brush. As I stood facing the open meadow, Tyler stood at my left shoulder facing the opposite direction. All was quiet, and we agreed that we would head back to the truck, re-group, and formulate a new plan for the afternoon. Admittedly, doubt was creeping into my mind, and I began to wonder if my hunt of a lifetime would end with nothing more than fond memories of a beautiful place and an unfilled tag. And then God stepped in.

With that thought still bouncing around in my mind, Tyler suddenly grabbed my shoulder and pressed downward with great enthusiasm. “Get down, get down, get down!” he hissed, “there’s an elk!” Attempting to vanish into the shin-high grass, we dropped to our knees and crouched over as low as possible as we watched a large bull walk off the finger ridge to our right into the semi-open pines. “Don’t move, don’t move, don’t move!” Tyler hissed into my ear. I secretly wondered about his sudden affinity for verbal repetition. However, my compliance was absolute; the bull was less than one hundred yards away, angling toward us and to our left, and we were caught in the wide open. As we continued to watch the bull graze and work his way ever closer, I had a decision to make. All my arrows were in the quiver. I knew movement would be risky, but the bull was still probably eighty yards distant, but he was at ease and the wind was in our favor. I had to get an arrow knocked, now or never. I was afraid if I waited any longer, he might close the distance to the point that I couldn’t get away with it. Hoping my movement was concealed enough by the grass, I eased my right hand under my bow, which I held parallel to the ground, to access the quiver. Bringing the arrow around and knocking it on the string, I shifted only my eyes between the bull and my equipment, trying to remain as motionless as possible. I flipped up the drop-away arrow rest, clipped my release onto the d-loop, and made like a statue.

As the bull continued quartering to our left, partially concealed by the pines at about seventy yards, he turned loose with a full bugle- the first I’d ever experienced! He then inexplicably zig-zagged back to a right quartering angle, bringing him right out into the open directly in front of us. “Sixty-three yards,” Tyler whispered as he ranged the bull over my right shoulder. “Can you make that shot?” My reply, whispered confidently and without hesitation out of the right side of my mouth: “NO!” I felt pretty good at fifty yards, confident at forty or less, but I’d decided before I left Georgia that sixty was beyond my responsible limit. As the bull stood in the open, I feared that the proverbial jig may very well be up. Just as that thought flashed through my mind, the bull, standing in full view, raised his head and bugled loudly, laying his six-by-six rack almost all the way back on his shoulders, tapering off into a short chuckle at the end. It was the stuff of wildlife documentaries, and I had a front row seat. A gift from the Lord that simply could not have been scripted more beautifully. While it was a magnificent show, the reality was that he was still out of my effective range. And then once again, God stepped in and continued to orchestrate. Right on cue, another bull bugled in response far behind us, from up the canyon to our left. Our bull immediately turned and started walking in that direction to investigate the interloper, quartering once again to our left. 

Still hunched over in the grass, I saw an opportunity when the bull passed behind a small, scraggly, but perfectly placed pine tree about halfway between us. I rose to my knees as I simultaneously brought my bow to a vertical position and began the draw stroke. I reached full draw just as his head reappeared on the other side of the tree; I’d gotten away with it! Now I just needed the range and to see those vitals…

“Forty-two yards,” came the call from Tyler. Almost perfectly broadside. I waited. I’m not entirely sure why; I’m confident I could have made the shot, but something just told me to wait. Indeed, God had yet another move in store. So I held. And he stood. Time stopped. I continued to hold. Then three soft cow calls emanated over my shoulder from Tyler. The bull instantly turned his full attention to the oddly shaped thing in the grass forty-two yards away: me! He turned ninety degrees to his left and walked right at us, staring at me the whole time still holding full draw.

“Twenty-two yards!” came the final range call from Tyler. The bull took a couple more steps before stopping and staring at me from a distance of eighteen yards, still squarely facing me- presenting a low percentage shot that I was unwilling to take. Internal panic crept in as he began to behave as though he was onto us. His huge head swayed from left to right and back, as if he was trying to get a better visual angle on me. I caught myself looking around my peep sight at the beast and had to remind myself to look through it and find the pin, not look at the whole animal.

Finally, doubt got the best of him, and he decided to depart from our company to further his investigation of the aforementioned bull in the distance. As he turned back to his right, I saw the broadside angle I’d been waiting for. I found three of the five pins to be inside the breadbox, and a moment of panic overtook me as I mentally sorted out which pin I needed. I finally settled the twenty-yard pin just below center of the vital zone, pulled my shoulder blades back, and let the pressure of my finger on the release trigger do its work. The bow fired with a satisfying, muffled slap, and the red LED of the lighted knock traced a slightly upward path from my kneeling position directly into the bull’s ribcage, sending a reassuring “schnecke,” sound back to my ears as the broadhead pierced the leathery hide and deflated the lungs. As the mortally wounded animal wheeled and dashed out of sight, all of the tension and breath escaped my lungs and I nearly fell forward on my face under the weight of my pack, which I’d never even had a chance to remove. Tyler and I were ecstatic; high-fives, fist bumps, and back slaps all around. It was surreal; I’d just experienced in real life something that I’d only previously seen on television hunting shows. The only thing left to do was collect my trophy, or so I thought.

Both Tyler and I were confident we’d just witnessed a solid double-lung shot. Perhaps just a little bit high, but absolutely a lethal hit. We dropped our packs and waited about twenty minutes before moving up to find the arrow, covered in blood end-to-end, about ten yards beyond where the bull stood at the time of the shot. A clean pass-through, this was a great sign. Next step: just follow what would surely be a proverbial red carpet leading directly to my prize. The only trouble was, there wasn’t one. Not only was there not a clear blood trail, we didn’t locate a drop of blood anywhere. How could that be? We watched the arrow go in; we knew it was a good hit. Admittedly, a slight panic began to set in. We quickly expanded our search and found no trace that an elk had even been in the same county. A feeling of dread started to dominate my thoughts. The hunt of a lifetime, an unbelievable up-close encounter, a shot that looked and felt great… and now this. This just couldn’t be happening.

After walking a crisscross pattern across the brush covered knoll formed by the end of the finger ridge behind where the bull disappeared, Tyler and I reconvened. Our conversation turned from the absence of a blood trail back to the shot. Was it possible that the arrow was higher than we thought, going through the so-called “no-man’s land” between the spine and the vitals? With the blood covered arrow it seemed unlikely, but could we be so sure? After all, it did feel as though I was shooting uphill, since I was on my knees and the bull was so close. Maybe the angle was steeper than I thought.

As the doubt and the dread continued to build, my head began to spin, and the detached reality feeling began to set in. Time warped and things became fuzzy. I’m uncertain whether or not we firmly decided that it was a lost cause, but at some point, we elected to don our packs and start toward the top of the canyon where we could get enough phone service to call Blake and Colorado Buck. It was at this point that this story’s opening episode took place. After recovering somewhat and finally reaching the top of the ridge to make the call, they were on their way, and soon the white Chevy pickup arrived. After several minutes of conferencing, it felt like we were on the verge of conceding defeat. And then God stepped in yet again, this time using Blake. He asked to look at the arrow, so I removed it from my quiver, and he examined it closely from tip to tail. A rather stern look came over his face, and he dug in his heels. “I think that bull is dead. We need to go back and find him,” he said resolutely. He wasn’t asking. Outfitter and guide relented to his persuasiveness, and soon we were all on the ground where I’d taken the shot. I recounted the sequence, walked them to where the arrow was recovered, and then to the last place we saw the bull in full retreat. Having found no blood, all four of us fanned out on the search, examining likely avenues of escape for any sign. Soon we were on the opposite side of the knoll with nothing to show for our efforts. Once again, we regrouped at the arrow recovery site, and for whatever reason, we finally took the proper approach to the search: painstakingly slow and deliberate, literally taking one step at a time, looking not only for blood, but for any sign of passage. Soon we discovered a scuff or two on the ground where the bull made haste. And then there it was- on a small rock, the fist tiny droplet of blood, no larger than a ladybug, a full forty to fifty yards from where the bull stood at the shot. My spirits began to cautiously lift.

From there we discovered more hoof marks where the wounded bull, instead of following the path of least resistance as one might expect, made a hard right turn and went straight uphill into the thick oak brush. Then another droplet of blood, this one even smaller, probably twenty yards from the first. Then one on a leaf about waist high as we entered the thicket. Marking each drop with a plate-sized, flat rock set on edge, we pressed further into the brush. After finding only a few more tiny crimson specks, we were on pause, searching for the next one when I heard Blake shout, “There he is!” before vanishing into the brush on a headlong sprint. Based on the speed of his departure from sight and the enthusiasm in his voice, I honestly thought for a moment that he was in hot pursuit of a live animal and had plans to run it down and tomahawk it to death. But then I realized that Blake wasn’t equipped with a tomahawk. He’d found my bull!

The emotional roller coaster might have hit the bottom an hour prior, but now it was rocketing back to the top. As we gathered around the beast, the sheer size of it was astounding compared to the southeastern whitetails I was accustomed to. After moving the bull a few yards out of the thick stuff to a more open spot suitable for photographs, a sense of satisfaction and relief like no other came over me. My first western hunt, my first bugle, my first elk… it was simply overwhelming, and I found myself once again on the verge of becoming emotional. But there was no time for that; much work was left to do. After getting the truck as close as possible and loading the bull, we offered a prayer of thanks to the Lord for such a tremendous blessing and made our way out of the canyon.

Back at camp, with the bull quartered and cooling, I stowed my gear, put on some comfortable clothes, grabbed a book, and sat on the porch enjoying the warm sunshine and spectacular scenery. Completely unable to concentrate on reading, I relived the morning’s events over and over in my mind, and when viewed in context with the entire experience, beginning with that fateful day in early August, I remained even more convinced that there is no such thing as coincidence. God’s hand is in all things; He places certain people, certain things, and certain circumstances in our lives for a specific purpose, whether we recognize it or not. This entire hunt was absolutely a blessing from the Lord. Through it He showed me the absolute magnificence of His creation, as well as the value of friendship, perseverance, and faith that He will work all things out.

That night, after recounting the story of the hunt over our final supper among the company of friends old and new, I found myself once again lying in my bunk with the window open, listening to the nighttime Rockies and feeling the brush of cool, clean air flow into the room. I laid awake for a long while… 

A Modest Rant

Typically, I try to avoid posting controversial work-related things on the most common forms of social media. Facebook and its ilk are already a huge time-suck and besides, I just like to use it to goof around, keep up with my friends and their kids, our sports activities, etc. I don’t like to get beat up over crap that I post. Life is just too short for that nonsense.

But if my friends will indulge me in a quite lengthy narrative, I will momentarily diverge from my typical online path, don my big-boy britches, and engage in a modest rant. Why? Because the internet is out of control. Everyone is an expert on everything. You know what I’m an expert on? Knowing what I know, and more importantly, what I don’t know. That’s it. I don’t pretend to be a well of knowledge on things outside of my lane. All that would accomplish is proving to the world that I’m an idiot. In the words of Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain (depending on which internet “proof” you believe), “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

I say all that to say this: I’m tired of people beating up on the average, everyday street cop in the digital world. Are there good ones and bad ones? Sure there are. Are there good and bad plumbers, insurance agents, information technology guys, doctors, pizza makers, brokers, auto mechanics, and clergymen? Absolutely. But I’ll tell you this- the good ones far outnumber the bad ones in all of those cases. Yes, yes, I know; of all those groups, the police is the only one that has the authority to take away a person’s freedom on the spot. I get it; that’s a really big deal, and we should absolutely accept that responsibility with all the seriousness it deserves. But if you listen to the rhetoric in the national media these days, you’re led to believe that there’s a grand conspiracy afoot among the cops to keep minorities repressed, to imprison the population, to suck money from the taxpayers like leaches, and most atrociously, to intentionally kill people. Dear God.

I’m an Average Patrol Guy (APG). I became a cop simply because I wanted to be one of the good guys. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be a super hero. I harbor no foolish illusions of saving the world, or even a small part of it. All I can do is what I can do, and I know that usually doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. The rest is so far beyond my control that I have trouble wrapping my brain around it most of the time. While the conspiracy theorists and internet trolls would have you believe that my shift begins with a secret meeting in a darkened room, with evil plans laid out for suppressing the populace whispered in hushed tones, I’d like to flip on the light switch and try to relate what a shift in the life of the APG is really like. It’s fascinating stuff, trust me (insert sarcastic smirk here). So without further ado…

The alarm just went off this afternoon, but if feels like I just laid down after the shift last night. Probably because after it officially ended at 0700, I didn’t go home. I had to finish up some paperwork and then wait for the fleet shop to open so I could have my patrol car serviced. When I finally got home and ate a bite, showered, and crawled in bed, the sun penetrating the cracks in the window blinds was so bright I couldn’t get to sleep.

Now it’s time to do it again. Man I’m tired. And my head hurts from sleeping during the day. I wonder if I could call in sick? I could really use the rest. But that would make my shift short-handed. Smith is on vacation, and Jones isn’t coming in until midnight because he’s been in court all day and has to get a nap before work so he doesn’t fall asleep behind the wheel and run his patrol car up a tree trunk. Guess I’m going in.

I got to see my wife and kids for a few minutes before I left. They were settling in for the evening after doing homework and tip-toeing around the house, trying not to be kids and make a lot of noise so I could sleep. Childhood suppressed. I did manage to sit down at the table with them for a few minutes while I tried to eat dinner (breakfast?). But it was kinda hard to enjoy it. We were in two different mental places. They’re winding down, and I’m winding up. They’re telling me stuff, but I can’t focus on it because my brain is trying to get into work gear. Strange. I’m crazy about my kids, but I can’t get into what their saying. That’s probably the stuff that makes people say shit later in life like, “My Dad never paid attention to what I had to say.”

So now I’m in my car, heading to the precinct for shift change, trying to get my game face on, listening to the radio traffic and… aww damn. I forgot that I didn’t fuel up at the end of the shift this morning because of the paperwork and the vehicle service, and I was just too frikin’ tired and wanted to go to bed. Now I have to divert to the fuel station, which will put me late for shift change. Sarge is gonna be pissed, I’d better call him.

Yep, he was pissed. My fault though, I should have planned my time better. Anyway, I got there finally, got my zone assignment, a couple of subpoenas for court on my day off (great!), and a few extra patrol printouts. One says a lady wants us to keep an eye on her house because a “suspicious vehicle” has been down her street twice in the last week. Why is it suspicious? Because it has tinted windows and she’s never seen it before. Ok. Another one is in reference to cars speeding on their road. People drive fast? You don’t say.

I’m going to make a pass by those in a minute so they will see a car in the neighborhood, but first I need to find a spot to pull over and re-organize my gear. Last night my seat organizer was transformed into a floorboard abortion when I had to slam on the brakes to keep from eating up the south end of a north-bound Honda that stopped short, probably because the driver looked in the mirror and saw my patrol car and thought she would be carted off to the hoosegow for going through a yellow light. Newsflash: yellow means “proceed through the intersection with caution or prepare to stop,” whichever is more applicable. It does not mean, “HOLY CRAP I’D BETTER STAND ON THE BRAKES AND CHIRP TO A STOP OR THAT COP WILL ARREST ME!!!” Anyway, the end result was my stuff went everywhere, and since this car is my mobile office I really need to straighten it up.

I’ve just about got that mess unscrewed, but I can’t finish yet because dispatch just gave me a call. Apparently Suzie didn’t come home on time, and Mom is simply frantic. It’s 7:30 PM, after all. Everyone knows nothing good happens out there after 6:00. When I get there, Suzie just got dropped off by her boyfriend. They were hanging out after school without telling Mom where they were going, and she didn’t want to answer her phone because she knew Mom would tell her to come home. Capitol offense. Off with her head. “Radio, I’m 10-8.”

I kinda need to use the restroom, but I’ll stop in that church parking lot to finish my housekeeping chore real quick before… dang. Burglar alarm at 123 Industrial Street, the business of ABC Import Distributors… again. For the love of Mike, I wish they would call the alarm company and fix that thing. Must have got that call 12 times last month. Still have to check the windows and doors, and a key-holder never shows up to shut it off. Why bother, after all? The cops will show up, let them worry about it. But really, who cares if someone actually does break into the place- you’d have to climb down a sewer in Shanghai to find more Chinese crap. 10-8.

Alright, I’m going to stop in that parking lot and fix this mess of a car, dispatch be darned. Right about the time I finish that up, a mini-van pulls up. “Excuse me,” soccer Mom says, “can you tell me how to get to Southside Academy for the Children of Artsy-Fartsy People Who Feel Like the Name “Elementary School” Doesn’t Sound Sophisticated Enough?” Really? You’ve got a smart phone and a dashboard GPS, and you can’t find it? “Yes ma’am. About a mile and a half down this road, turn left on River Road, and it’s on the right.” “Yes ma’am, you’re welcome. Have a nice evening.”

Now I’m on my way to back up the officer in the zone next to me on a domestic. I was on my way to find a local gas station or someplace to take a restroom break. That second cup of coffee is kicking in, but it will have to wait for this call. The address sounds familiar; I’m pretty sure we went out there last week. Probably the same old story: they argued, he pushed her, she pushed him, and they’ll be back in love by the time we get there. But what do you know, I was wrong this time. He scuffed her up a little and split her lip. But she still loves him dearly. We know this because she kept hollering it through snot-filled tears, between the barrages of profanity laced insults she hurled at us as we put him in the back of the patrol car to be carted off to jail for domestic violence. 10-8. Now, to find that bathroom.

Just about the time I point the bumper toward the convenience store, I’m foiled once again by the radio. The rain just started, and even though the evening rush hour is done, the interstate always turns into a crash-em-up derby when it gets wet. This time it’s a 3 car wreck. Pretty minor, the roadway isn’t shut down or anything, but it still has traffic backed up for a couple of miles already- in both directions. People just gotta look. In the name of all things holy, just drive people! I finally work through the traffic, get all the pertinent details for the report, get a wrecker for the one car that isn’t able to leave under its own power, scratch out a good driving award to the genius responsible for the mess, and get the roadway cleared. 10-8. I really gotta pee.

Well, about the time Sarge hears me go in service, he goes over the radio to have me meet him in the parking lot next to the county bus shop for paperwork. Dangit. That coffee his having its way with my bladder, and he wants to talk about paperwork? Alright, at least that’s close to a gas station with a relatively clean restroom. When I pull up next to him, he hands me two reports with the infamous cover sheet attached by the records division for corrections to be made. I briefly lift the cover sheet to reveal the tell-tale red pen marks, meaning instead of just checking the boxes that I missed in my blurry eyed attempt to finish all my paperwork before the end of shift, I now have to rewrite the entire frikin’ face sheet. Great.

About the time I’m apologizing to Sarge for being rude and ducking out to go pee, dispatch gets our attention. It’s funny, after you work with the same group for a while, you instantly know what a certain tone and inflection in the individual voices mean. Something’s up. Sure enough, another officer had got out with a sketchy-looking guy walking down the side of the road. Nothing illegal about that, but out in the rain, after dark, on a sorta cool night with no shirt? Need to talk to that dude. Well, apparently something was up, because after the officer went round and round with the guy about what his real name and date of birth was, he decided to bolt off for parts unknown through the woods toward a nearby trailer park. That was just rude. Of course, our guy went after him and has now caught him in the trailer park. He’s okay, the guy is in custody, but they’re about a quarter mile from the patrol car and a crowd of less-than-savory folks have started exiting their aluminum homes to see what the fuss is all about. And some of them are not our friends. So Sarge and I gotta go. Now. Man, I gotta pee!

We get there right about the time two more of our units arrive. Between all of us, we manage to get aforementioned sketchy dude into a patrol car, quiet the unrest in the Shady Acres Mobile Home Community, and get the hell outta there. I’m sure there will be a complaint or two lodged tomorrow. Some of us weren’t very diplomatic after the natives discussed the possibility of maybe just bashing up a patrol car, because you know, sketchy dude “ain’t done nuthin’ wrong!” Never mind giving a false name and the outstanding warrant for probation violation. Oh yeah, and the reason he was walking around with no shirt on a cool night in the rain? He’d just got into a fight with his buddies at the trailer park after they’d all been drinking all day and they booted him out, but not before he assaulted one or two of them. But they didn’t want to press charges, “because, you know, he’s an awright dude, he’s just a little drunk.” 10-8.

By this time the situation with my bladder has become a dire one indeed. My duty belt has grown noticeably tighter, making sitting in the patrol car that much more uncomfortable. Tiny beads of sweat have begun to emerge on my upper lip. This is about to get serious. But alas, there is a nearby industrial park that is always darkly lit and sparsely occupied. I quickly point the car in that direction and find a lonely culd-de-sac with only one empty business warehouse. With an urgency that would parallel my arrival at a shots fired call, I bring the car to an abrupt halt next to the building, seatbelt already unfastened, leap from behind the wheel, rush to the edge of the darkened tree line, embark upon a struggle to unfasten the fly beneath my duty belt that probably resembles someone putting out their recently set ablaze pants, and at long last I am able to empty my mightily angry bladder. With that business concluded, I leisurely stroll back to my patrol car, basking in the glow of relief when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. I look up at the corner of the building to see an infrared surveillance camera, conveniently covering the area from the corner of the building where my vehicle is parked, all the way to the tree line where I just expelled from my body what will probably appear to the observer to be an astonishing amount of fluid. Great. That’ll be another complaint tomorrow.

By now, it’s getting a little late. About time for a few of the parties to get out of hand. Sure enough, it’s not long before dispatch sends a couple of cars to the marina out on the lake. You know, the big one where one can visit a nice cross-section of society simply by walking from one dock to the next. Poor red necks on one dock, lake rats with money on the next. Most of whom are drunk. Seems a few people from each camp have had a disagreement and someone got their noggin thumped. Place is like a floating trailer park. We manage to get there, sort out a mess that should have been featured on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show, and now I’m en route to booking with a young man who, judging by his tattoos, probably doodled all over his textbooks in school. While in transit, we have a lively conversation in which he calls me everything except a child of God, tells me he has to pee about a dozen times (you can hold it buddy, I sure as hell did), threatens that he will whip my ass if I’ll just pull over and take off that badge and gun, and that he’s gonna have my job (you actually want it?). By the time we get to jail, he’s passed out and snoring back there in the cage, and he’s pissed his pants. Super.

Now that I’ve got him booked in, accepted his apology for being so drunkenly unpleasant (funny how the sound of the jail door slamming closed sometimes changes a person’s demeanor), and awakened a few of the trustees to clean the back seat of my patrol car where Mr. Piss Pants messed it up, I’m finally back in service. I really need to find a quiet spot to pull over and knock out that wreck report from earlier, correct the two incident reports that Sarge gave me, write up a supplemental report for my involvement when the other officer took shirtless dude to jail, and get started on the report from the lakeside melee. But dang, I sure could use a bite to eat. It’s after midnight, but on night shift that’s lunchtime. I’d better try to eat while I’ve got the chance.

Waffle House. Again. Ugh. The restaurant selection is pretty limited this time of night. I like to pack my meals most of the time because, contrary to popular belief, some of us cops actually try to eat healthy and exercise regularly. But I didn’t have time to throw it together tonight, so I find myself once again at the local greasy spoon. A couple of my shift partners have joined me, so maybe we can get a few minutes to enjoy some conversation. Maybe not. Right about the time the waffle hit the table, the call came out for a drunk driver not too far away. And not the usual call, where a motorist spots someone they think is drunk because they saw the car weaving. This one is passed out behind the wheel, sitting in the middle of the road at a traffic light, so off we go. The waitress knows the drill, smiles and tells us to come back as soon as we can and she’ll get us a fresh waffle. Sweet gal, missing teeth notwithstanding.

Sure enough, the drunk is still there, motor running, foot on the brake, passed out and drooling on himself. This is always a tricky thing. We run the risk of startling the drunk if we just wake him up, possibly causing him to panic and take off. If we try to ease the door open and gently reach in to shut the car off and remove the key, the drunk might wake up and freak out because all of sudden there are people in his car, and in the ensuing chaos all kinds of bad things happen. Officers get punched, dragged down the road, bit on the arm, etc. We eventually wake this one without incident, get him out, offer him the standard tests (which he refuses because he’s been down this road before and knows exactly where this is all going), and one of my partners takes him to jail. I stay on scene, inventory the nasty vehicle, and wait for the tow truck. Before it arrives, I at least manage to knock out the face sheet corrections for the two reports that Sarge gave me earlier.

While we’re waiting for our partner to complete his jail run, we decide to do some business security checks in the area, and I still need to ride through the neighborhoods that wanted the extra patrols. I pass through a few closed businesses, spotlight the doors and windows, shine the locks, and all is well. On the extra patrols, I don’t find the mysterious car with the tinted windows, so I declare that crime of the century solved. In the other neighborhood, I’m the only car on the road and I made sure to obey the speed limit. Again, crime solved. 10-8.

Back at the Waffle House, we finally manage to get our meals and actually eat them. The waitress was very nice about recooking our order at no additional charge, so we gave her a good tip. Besides, she should be making double for having to put up with the foolishness that takes place at Waffle House in the middle of the night.

As we enter the deepest part of the night, the call volume has slowed considerably. We answer a few suspicious activity calls, check some more businesses, and I respond to a loud party complaint where the kids scattered like rats when they saw my car round the corner. No underage drinking and weed smoking going on in that house, I’m sure. I also pick up a theft report call. It makes perfect sense to me that someone would wait until 0330 to make a report of someone stealing the tools from the open bed of their truck, which they discovered missing the day before (???!!!).

Now, I’ve finally resolved that I will visit the all night gas station to procure a cup of their finest java, and then I will find myself a well-lit parking lot somewhere to get all this confounded paperwork finished. After an hour and a half, including two spells where I had to get out of the car and walk circles in the parking lot to stay awake, I think I’ve finally got caught up.

I had just enough time for one more round of business checks and another pass through the extra patrol neighborhoods before heading to the precinct to drop off my paperwork. As the sky is starting to get light in the east, I’m relieved to hear a few of the oncoming dayshift units sign on the radio.

I know I shouldn’t just yet, but as I hit the interstate and head north, I start to mentally disengage. I hear the radio chatter, but that’s for the other shift. Unless something bad happens right in front of me it might as well be happening in another time zone.

As I leave the interstate and get closer to home, I hit the two-lane and enter the final stretch. Foolishly, I’ve left the radar unit on and as I’m struggling to keep my eyelids from slamming shut, the radar hits a high note that nearly breaks the glass out of the car. 87 in a 50, on a two-lane with lots of curves and hidden driveways. Dang. Startled awake now, I see the nose of the oncoming car dip as the driver stabs the brake when he recognizes my car for what it is. I’m no traffic Nazi, but I can’t just drive by that one. I turn around on it, get him stopped, and semi-patiently listen to his story. He’s sober, not a bad guy, and I’m tired. I cut him a warning, sign off the radio, and a few minutes later I pull into my driveway. As I reach down to cut the ignition switch, I look at the gas gauge. Dangit. Forgot to fill up the tank again.

You might have noted that nowhere in the preceding course of events was there any mention of a conspiracy to oppress the masses, bilk the taxpayers, plot to kill unarmed black men, or a plan to circumvent that pesky little document called the Constitution of the United States of America. What I’ve written is an honest-to-God rendition of what it’s like for the overwhelming majority of us. Most of your APG’s really are just regular people (with regular bladders). Most days we go to work and do some pretty mundane things. Sure, there are a thousand little variations on the events, and sometimes it’s a little more or a little less exciting, but by and large that’s it. Most of us are out there, day in and day out, just doing our regular thing.

But once every blue moon, we find ourselves instantly thrust from what I’ve just described into a situation that evolves at a freakish speed, and it can be filled with extraordinary danger, stress, and almost crippling anxiety. Yet we still have to perform and make the right decisions. We can only hope that our training kicks in and takes over. Usually it does, and although things may get messy, they turn out okay. But sometimes something bad happens, and things don’t turn out okay. All of sudden we’re lost in a whirlwind. TV crews, newspaper articles, internet experts, they all know just how it happened and have all the answers. Last night all we wanted was to sit down for a moment and eat a waffle with our friends, and tonight we’re painted as part of a vast, racist conspiracy, hell bent on the destruction of all lesser people. But folks, I’m here to tell you- it just doesn’t exist. We’re just regular people that are sometimes called upon to do irregular things. And sometimes dammit, all we really want is to find a place to pee.

But our society has reached the point that events like this create a raging torrent that doesn’t care what’s in its path. Guilt, innocence, fact, fiction, truth, lies, something in between… it all gets swept downstream. And as for the APG, he might grab hold of a branch, but the river rages and continues to rise until he too slips beneath the surface and is swept away. Eventually someone has to close the flood gates. Or maybe I’ll just say to hell with it and find some higher ground.

Unspoken Words, Deeds Undone

Nitrogen

When I took the call from the owner of the welding supply company that I work for part-time, I assumed it was about business. I generally work there one or two days a week on my normal days off, driving a delivery truck so that I can do something for extra money that doesn’t involve wearing a badge and a gun. Regular guy stuff. But the call was only somewhat business related.

“I got a call from Athens-Clarke PD today. I had to go to the station to pick up one of our cylinders that was involved in an incident,” he said.

Naturally, I inquired what kind of incident.

“The officer told me it was involved in a suicide,” was his reply.

“That girl killed herself, didn’t she?” I asked.

“Yep.”

I’d first spotted her that day, January 5th, walking along the roadside not far from the store. I was on the way back in from a delivery and saw her right away, because there’s not a lot of pedestrian traffic in that area- no sidewalks, mostly industrial, etc. She appeared somewhat disheveled, almost vagrant-like, but appeared to have a purpose in where she was going. I noted her presence and dismissed her, focusing on getting back to the store, getting the next delivery loaded and gone.

When I returned from that delivery, she was sitting outside the store next to a medium sized cylinder of compressed nitrogen, looking at her phone. I backed in, unloaded the empty cylinders that I’d brought back, and entered the store from the side door.

“Do I need to step out there and check an ID?” was my smart-ass comment to the boss, thinking that I was going to be regaled with a tale of her coming into the store begging or something. I was wrong. Turned out that she’d come in, purchased the gas and a regulator, signed up to rent the cylinder, paid in cash, and was simply trying to arrange for a ride.

After some time, she stepped back into the store and hesitantly inquired about calling a taxi and not being sure if she had enough money for it. She had only twelve dollars left and needed to get to the other side of Athens. It was almost closing time; I was finished with all the deliveries for that day, and we’d be locking the gates very soon. As she looked to the boss for an answer, he glanced over at me and I gave him a nod.

Our normal delivery fee for anything is fifteen dollars. The boss made her a deal. I would deliver her and the cylinder to her destination for the twelve she had. She quickly agreed, and I loaded the cylinder in the pick-up truck as she climbed in the passenger side.

“Don’t try to jack me, I’m the police,” was my next smart-ass comment when I got behind the wheel, not real sure where I stood with this sketchy-looking young gal. She looked at me somewhat quizzically, somewhat nervously. I explained that this was just my part-time job and that I am in fact a full-time peace officer. She seemed very uneasy about that. But I quickly tried to put her mind at ease by explaining that I like doing regular guy stuff and just being a normal person instead of an asshole-cop all the time. As we started on our way and she explained where she needed to go, she seemed to become a little more relaxed.

I inquired about the gas she’d just purchased and she offered that she was an art student at the university. It’s pretty common for us to do business with the art department and its students, so that wasn’t a red flag at all. When I asked what she was welding with the argon, she snapped her head around and asked, “Argon?” almost in a panic. “That’s supposed to be nitrogen.” I’d just assumed it was argon because of the color of the cylinder; I hadn’t even read the label when I loaded it into the truck, but most of our cylinders in that size and color were filled with argon. Her concern was such that I pulled over before we got too far from the store and confirmed that it was actually nitrogen. She seemed immensely relieved. I asked if she was using it to purge lines, and she simply said yes, offering no further explanation. I didn’t pick up on it. Most art students are pretty eager to share what kind of work they’re doing. She offered no such information. She just needed a cylinder of nitrogen and the regulator to dispense it.

The sum total of our relationship was about fifteen minutes. We chatted briefly about where she’d traveled and lived, her brother in the military, and how she was fortunate to have gotten into the university. It was all pretty shallow conversation, but she didn’t seem overly shy and even smiled and laughed once or twice. I recall that her laugh, although brief, was very nice and warmed the cab of the truck.

I found it odd that as we approached her destination, she asked me to pull onto a side street and drop her and the cylinder off there, instead of pulling into a driveway. But she seemed to have a plan, so I pulled to the curb and unloaded the cylinder, lying it on its side because the leaves piled along the edge of the street wouldn’t allow it to stand without falling over. She apologized profusely for not having the full fifteen dollar delivery fee as she handed me the twelve she had. I told her it was no big deal, and she extended her hand to shake mine.

That’s when I saw the cut marks, as the sleeve of her coat slid up on her forearm. I noted them, but I’ve seen so many cutters over the years that I honestly didn’t give it much thought. People have demons, and I can’t fix that. I’ve learned to note it, file it away, and move on.

Her handshake was actually very pleasant- not a dead fish at all like some women offer. Just the right amount of firmness, and she delivered it with a smile as she asked my name. I told her, and she offered hers as she said it was nice to meet me and thanked me for the ride. I’d been wrong about her when I first saw her. She was actually a very pleasant young lady from all I could tell.

As I drove home a short time later, it hit me- I’d probably taken the last twelve dollars she had to her name, and here it was dinner time. The thought briefly crossed my mind to go back to the address she’d initially provided to see if she was actually there and give it back to her, along with a Subway gift card that I had in my wallet. Not out of pity, simply because it would have been the right thing to do for a young, broke art student. But I didn’t. I kept on driving. Over the next few days I thought about that interaction several times. I should have had the presence of mind to ask her if that was her last twelve dollars, and if so, what was she going to do about dinner that night. When I saw the cut marks I should have told her that she had a nice laugh, and not to hurt herself. But I didn’t.

Twenty days later Kelly Fuller was dead, and that cylinder of nitrogen was somehow involved. I don’t know the details, and I don’t really want to. I imagine she used an “exit bag,” as it’s called, but I suppose she could have used any sort of small, confined space. I probably could have used my credentials as a peace officer to find out more information from the investigators that worked it, but it wouldn’t have served any purpose other than the satisfaction of my own curiosity, and that wouldn’t be right.

In the end, it just doesn’t matter. Kelly is gone, and I’m left to wonder if the kindness I withheld may have made a difference. Odds are it wouldn’t have; I’m not so self-absorbed as to think that I wield special influence over people with deeply rooted problems, and I actually knew nothing of this girl. But I also know for a fact that every once in a while a chance encounter with a stranger has the ability to alter a person’s life course, however brief that encounter may be. I’ll never know if I might have been that stranger to Kelly, had I spoken the words and done the deeds.

 

Last Run of the Year

With a half marathon trail relay coming up next weekend, the pressure has been on to make something of myself for the last few weeks. The holidays, combined with days upon days upon days of rain here in Georgia, not to mention the adjustment back to working night shift, has given me a plethora of excuses not to run. But today the clouds parted, the sun shone down, the air was warm, and I laced up my running shoes. Despite my legs howling in moderate protest, I managed to log eight easy-paced miles, just enough so I can taper back next week in the lead up to the race on Sunday, since my race leg will only be a little over six miles.

But more important than race prep, today’s run was a good opportunity to reflect on what my running year has been like. I’ve always been one who struggles with injury, and this year was no exception. Oddly enough, it wasn’t a lower extremity injury that held me back, it was a wrecked elbow from a bicycle crash. I realize that some might wonder how an elbow injury keeps one from running, but rest assured that a proper arm swing while running is NOT conducive to healing a joint with a newly installed titanium plate. That sucker hurt. So I spent a good portion of the year doing physical therapy and strength conditioning in an effort to get back on track. When I finally did manage to run again, the pervasive fear of stumbling and falling on that arm was such that my pace was terrible. I picked my steps like a barefoot fire walker. My first post-surgery trail race showed an abysmal finish time compared to previous years on the same course, but it was a huge personal triumph in that it helped me overcome the mental aspect of my recovery (I didn’t fall!). After that, my pace began to quicken and confidence in my stride slowly returned.

It’s strange really. Runners fight such a multitude of mental battles, even when we’re healthy: Do I really want to get out of bed and do this? Do I push myself today, or take it easy? Do I opt for the dessert? Do I stop here, or push through for another two miles? Do I pick up the pace to catch that next person ahead of me? Do I ignore that twinge, or stop and walk? But when we’re hurt, or in some stage of recovery from injury, the mental battles are magnified exponentially. All the normal ones are still there, but now they’re accompanied by all sorts of unrealistic fears surrounding the injury: Is that tendon going to snap completely in two? My knee is going to disintegrate, and the surgeon will have to have to cut it out with a saw and replace it! My ankle is ruined, I bet they’ll amputate the foot! Okay, maybe those are over the top, but injury and fatigue do strange things to the runner’s thought process.

Aside from the injury and surgical saga, I just never felt like I got into the groove this year. I really enjoy running when I feel like I’ve hit my training stride and the routine settles in. I feel like I’m physically on top of my game, lighter on my feet, quicker in my step. My body snaps into gear more smoothly when I start a run, and the recovery afterward feels more rewarding. But that never seemed to happen this year, perhaps because of the physical aspects of the injury, but I think it was just as much due to the fact that I let it beat me. Sure, I had times when I felt like the crest of the training hill was just coming into view, but I never got on top of it.

So that was it, I decided on my run this afternoon. This year is over. Done. Kaput. The fat lady sang, and she quite likely could have bested me in a 5K. My Garmin Connect account is proof. I’ve never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, and I won’t start now. But I must confess that I’m looking forward to doing things differently in 2016. Train better, run better, be better.

The Things I Long For, the Things I Hate. 

Dust. Fine, powdery dust that floats in the air like baking flour. It coats everything in a fine layer of misery, from the trucks we drive to the bolt carrier group of the rifle I carry. It permeates everything that I own, clogs my nostrils, scratches my eyes, and taints my food. It envelops me like a warm blanket, bringing a strange degree of comfort and insulation from the death that is everywhere.

The smell of diesel fuel, hydraulic fluid, and av-gas. It’s the smell of American power. We brought a staggering amount of mechanized machinery with us to this land, and it all runs on petroleum based products. Diesel spills from every truck, and hydraulic fluid leaks like rain from the overhead lines of the helos. The fuel farms are the lifeblood of the campaign, and they always seem to be upwind.

Nighttime. It’s when we live. Operations mostly run at night, because we own it with our advanced night vision optics. The heat is a little more tolerable, and we’re lesser targets for Haji. The sleep deprivation imparts a slight touch of delirium and a surreal texture to the experience, but that’s part of what makes it irreplaceable. Nighttime means brutal exhaustion, but also reward for the effort.

Skylines. Sunrise or sunset in the Middle East is something to behold. To climb atop the bunker and watch it happen is an experience so big I can’t comprehend it. Looking out across the desert in the blistering heat of midday. The cradle of civilization, a truly ancient land. The Tigris and the Euphtates rivers. Babylon. For crying out loud, this is the land they’re talking about in THE BIBLE! A kid from Georgia just can’t top that for sheer magnitude.

Youth. The young Marines I serve with are a new generation. Being a re-tread Marine, I’m 15 years older than my ranking peer group. These guys were just learning to walk when I took the oath. We can’t relate to each other on much of anything, other than the mission. They piss me off with their casual attitudes and belligerence, but in rare moments when they don’t realize I’m watching, I love the hardness of their spirit. Belligerent little assholes. They’re different, but we’re all Marines.

Purpose. My purpose is to serve. To serve, I have a mission. My mission is the business of caring for dead Marines. Young or old, enlisted or commissioned, all dead nonetheless. My mission sucks, but it provides a purpose that is tangible. All one has to do to see the direct result is turn on the evening news. Invariably, somewhere in there is coverage of another military funeral. If that Marine, Sailor, or Soldier was killed in Anbar province, my unit was the first to drape his body with the colors of his country.

I went to Iraq longing for a purpose, and I’ve grown to hate that. I should have been more careful about what I wished for.

To Get Them Home Again

S&R 005Like a surreal scene from a Vietnam war movie, the Huey and Cobra gunship team banked hard in a continuous, close flight pattern, their rotors chopping the air sharply, low enough to part the tall grass alongside the canal and expose anyone with hostile intent. But this wasn’t Vietnam. This was a dusty road outside of Karmah, in Anbar Province, Iraq. The canal paralleled the road, and a U.S. military engineer’s bridge crossed it at this location to grant access to the other side. The canal at that spot presently held, and refused to release, the M1A1 Abrams tank that brought us there. The same tank that had slipped off the narrow bridge in the dark and was presently upside down in the water, holding four Marines in death’s grip. We wanted to free those Marines. We wanted them back, but the canal wouldn’t give them up. The steep, undercut banks prevented the behemoth from being pulled out with cables, two of which had already snapped like rubber bands on previous attempts. The call had already been made for a M88 heavy recovery vehicle to be brought up from Camp Taqaddum, the primary logistics hub for the region, but it was a couple of hours out and we’d already ran out of darkness. The Huey and the Cobra were called in for our protection after daylight caught up with us. Daylight made us easy targets. The grass alongside the canal provided good concealment for snipers, so the gunship team served as our guardian angels. The concussion of their rotor chop thumped in our chests, even under our heavy body armor. It was a comforting feeling.

The call had come into the CP in the depths of darkness, as it often did. In Iraq in 2006, most operations were still conducted at night. Daylight was dangerous. Snipers. So we worked at night a lot, because the grunts worked at night a lot. And that’s when they often died. That’s when we got the call.

We took duty in a 24 on/24 off rotation. During the day we busied ourselves with maintenance tasks. If it was night we slept on cots in the hut, at least until the land line rang. God how we dreaded that sound. That’s when we went to work. We never really slept on duty nights; we would lay down on a cot in our cammies with our boots next to us, body armor and weapons staged by the door, so that when the call came, we could be en route quickly. So the ring of that phone hung in our subconscious all the time, keeping true rest at bay and the ability to relax just beyond reach. When that happened, it meant Marines were dead, and their comrades were counting on us to come and take care of them. That was our job. To get them home again. Quickly. We were PRP.

PRP was the acronym for Personnel Retrieval and Processing, an occupational field known in wars past as mortuary affairs, and before that as graves registration. I suppose the the name change was reflective of how the task had progressed from one conflict to the next. When it was necessary for our war dead to be buried in the land where they fell, the graves were “registered” as a matter of record. As technology and transportation improved in subsequent wars, the mission became the expedited evacuation of our casualties so that they could be returned to their loved ones and buried in the United States. At some point around the time that the Marine Corps decided to assume this duty instead of relying upon the Army to provide the service, the powers-that-be decided that Personnel Retrieval and Processing had a more palatable connotation than mortuary affairs, and Marine Corps PRP was born. That’s where I slipped into the evolution. Our mission was to get our guys back on American soil within 48 hours. From a world away, the loved ones of our fallen would receive their remains a mere two days after life left their bodies, God willing and the flight ceiling was high enough. So when the call came, the clock started ticking. The pressure then was palpable.

Oddly enough, I volunteered for PRP due in large part to a misunderstanding. I had re-joined the Corps as a reservist in 2005, and I jumped at the first deployment opportunity that came down the line. The ALMAR (All Marine Message) that was disseminated throughout the Corps called for Marines from any occupational field to fill PRP billets, and it didn’t elaborate much beyond that. Upon initially seeing this message, my heart jumped. In the world of military acronyms that I was familiar with, PRP stood for Provisional Rifle Platoon- combat replacements. Casualties were still running high at this time, and I’d read articles about combat replacements being utilized. As a military policeman, I saw this as a way to finally serve as a rifleman with an infantry unit and prove to myself that I could live up to the words that Marines live by: “every Marine, regardless of rank or MOS, is first and foremost a rifleman.” So I signed up. Days later, once there was a little more clarification on what PRP actually stood for and what the mission was, everyone who signed up was given the opportunity to reconsider. However, most of us decided that while the job was not as glamorous as that of a rifleman, it was obviously a very important one. Ultimately we decided that the task was ours to do and elected to stay on the roster. No one left behind.

Waiting for the M88, the minutes ticked by, the sun and the temperature rose higher, and the tension at the scene increased. Junior Marines cursed and paced. Subordinate leaders attempted to keep things calm. Commanders conferenced and talked on the radios. No one liked waiting around like sitting ducks for enemy snipers or shoot-and-move mortar teams in raggedy pickup trucks. But no one was leaving without that tank and those Marines. The look on the faces of their buddies was heart wrenching. Their friends were merely feet away, concealed within the belly of the mostly submerged steel beast, but they couldn’t do anything to get them back. Finally the M88 arrived on the scene, but the banks of the canal were simply too steep to pull the tank out. The banks had to be cut away if any progress was to be made.

At about that same time, and much to our dismay, word came that the gunship team was low on fuel and couldn’t remain on station much longer. Another team would be en route to relieve them, or they would fly back to TQ to refuel and then return, but they would be delayed. Either way, we would soon be without overhead, and the tension ratcheted up a few more notches. On-scene commanders decided that it was time for bolder measures.

Across the canal, close to a date palm grove, a local farmer (insurgent?) worked on an irrigation ditch with a small excavator. If we had access to that excavator, the sharp banks of the canal could probably be rounded over enough to pull the tank out. Commanders, accompanied by a small security element and an interpreter, trekked across the field and approached the farmer while we watched from afar, nervous with anticipation of a firefight breaking out at any moment when enemy observers spotted the isolated group. But no shots rang out, no mortars fell, and no rockets screamed in. The commanders spent several minutes in conversation with the farmer, and after a short time returned to the canal. The farmer would not help us. He was afraid of insurgent retaliation if he provided assistance to the Americans. If this was the truth, and he himself was not actually a farmer-by-day-insurgent-by-night, I suppose no one could blame him. He had his family’s safety to consider, and there was certainly no way to conceal any help he provided.

When word of the farmer’s refusal spread, tempers flared and junior Marines went to work with the “fuck it, we’ll do it our damn selves” attitude that has probably gotten more done in the history of the Marine Corps than anything else. Within minutes, Marines with nothing more than a few shovels and entrenching tools went to work on the banks by hand- with a purpose and at a furious pace.

As the Marines doing the digging made some headway against the earth, our PRP team began preperations for the extraction of the four Marines’ bodies from the tank. Up until then, we’d merely been observers on the scene, but very soon we would be center stage and all of their buddies would be scrutinizing every move we made. This was always a delicate time in recovery operations. We always tried to be fairly detached and mechanical in our mission, out of a sense of psychological self-preservation as much as anything, but also because one false move or poorly chosen word might be interpreted by a fallen Marine’s buddies as inconsiderate or disrespectful and set them off. We could not afford that. We were still in hostile territory in broad daylight, and all of us had to focus on accomplishing our tasks and getting the hell out of there. So our team quietly planned out what our movements and actions would be as soon as the tank was extracted. While we did this, fellow Marines of the four trapped in the tank made it known that they would be the ones to go inside the beast to retrieve their friends. That threw a kink into our plan; typically, we strongly discouraged this because of the potential psychological impact it might have on combat troops. But it was clear that there would be no arguing the point with these Marines, and we weren’t about to make the mistake of acting like we were in charge of the scene.

At about that time, the recovery vehicle uprighted the tank and began to pull it from the water. The diesel power plant of the M88 roared as it put its back into the work. The M1A1 dug into the rounded corner of the canal and began to plow its way through. The massive steel cables stretched taught, prompting all of us to hide behind other vehicles, waiting for them to break with a deafening snap like the ones before. But this time the cables held. The tank pushed a mass of dirt before it as it cleared the bank, finally on dry ground. The recovery vehicle’s engine idled down in relief before the operator shut it off. Everyone on the scene breathed a heavy sigh.

We quickly staged the four litters and HRP’s (Human Remains Pouches, the politically correct term for body bags) by the side of the beast as Marines began the process of extraction. The first three were easy enough to remove. The fourth, the vehicle’s driver, posed a challenge because of his position deep within the tank. The most difficult part was that, due to the length of time that had passed, rigormortis had already set in. As the first of the fallen were brought through the hatch, the sight of stiffened, outstretched arms and a face frozen in death caused many of their buddies to turn away. Others stared on with indescribable looks on their faces. We waited at the base of the tank as their bodies were passed down to us. It was then up to us to encase the fallen in the HRP’s; not an easy task after rigor has taken hold. With their friends looking on, we placed them as carefully as we could on the opened bags and began the zipping process, pressing down hard on joints and straightening limbs as we went, just so the body would fit into the pouch and we could zip it up. There was simply no way to make it look good. Rigor is a tremendous force of nature, and to defeat it takes a lot of force. It was obvious to their buddies that it was a difficult task, and fortunately none of them took it as mishandling the remains of their friends.

At last, all four Marines were extracted, placed in HRP’s, and packaged on our vehicle, ready to begin their final journey home. A combination of relief and urgency then set upon the scene as the entire operation was wrapped up and we all prepared to get out of the area. All of us had been awake for a long time; we were tired, the whole thing had been somewhat surreal, and we wanted desperately to leave before anyone else died. Besides, we still had much work to do once safely back inside the wire. The families of four Marines were counting on us to get them home, although they probably didn’t even know it yet. The M1A1 was finally loaded onto a flat bed recovery truck, the order of march was set, and the convoy set out for Camp Fallujah.

It was almost midday in Karmah, Iraq. And I hated that damned place.

Living the Human Condition, Again

It’s ironic that a relatively short time ago I published Things Have Changed and Things Have Changed, Redux. Maybe this entry should be titled, “Things Have Changed Back.”

Through a set of circumstances, repeated too many times to count for a lot of cops that get out of the business for a shot at normalcy, I find myself back in uniform, pushing a patrol car and hustling calls. And although if you’d asked me a year ago if this was in the cards I might have become nauseous, the transition back has been unexpectedly smooth thus far. While I’d been out of a patrol car and serving in adminstrative and supervisory roles for the last few years prior to leaving, I’ve found that being back on the street is a little like a breath of fresh air. I’m enjoying the simplicity and relative purity of it; answer the calls, keep the peace, find the bad guys, go home. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I guess one of the main things about the life of a patrolman that appeals to me, and maybe a lot of us, is the fact that we’re out there on a daily basis as active participants in the human condition. That is to say, ours is a role that interjects us into a wide range of life’s experiences- good or bad, traumatic or mundane, joyous or sad. It would be ridiculous to say that we would willingly choose to participate in some of those things, but we accept the overall task as a whole and hopefully recognize it for the uniqueness that it holds. Ours is not a daily pattern of defined tasks, mechanically checking off the boxes and enjoying a relatively consistent emotional state throughout the day. It’s an existence of highs and lows, ranging from mind-numbing boredom to heart-pounding adrenaline dumps.

But there has to be a balance, and historically that has been a challenge for a lot of people in law enforcement, myself included. Too many long hours, too many off-duty jobs in uniform, and too much identification with the job can easily and subtly alter one’s persona to the point that he or she lives their life with an attitude like some cheesy TV cop show character. We… meaning I, have to make a concerted effort to live a portion of our lives as the “regular guy,” as I used to refer to it. After all, we have our own human condition to live.

A Runner’s Autumn

The last few days have been cold (relatively speaking, this is Georgia, after all), rainy, and windy. It’s almost November, so yes, it’s supposed to cool off, I get it.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Last week I ran in shorts and came close to ditching the shirt.

I don’t generally mind the change of weather this time of year, but when it comes to running I like it hot- the hotter the better. I’m talking about the kind of hot where I’m breaking out in a flop-sweat within five strides of starting. The kind of hot where the sweat rolls off in streams and I don’t even entertain the idea of taking my shirt with me.

Side bar: Sorry, but yes, I’m quite often that guy: running unashamedly shirtless if at all possible. It feels great and trust me, if you ever run shirtless- for the guys, obviously- or in a sports bra for you ladies, you’ll forever have to calculate another factor into your running logistics: the shIMG_2740irt decision.

“Is it really hot enough?”… “Did I put on sunscreen?”… “Did I do abs yesterday?”… “Will my route take me somewhere that my shirtlessness might cause for concern among the locals, prompting a call to the authorities?”

But I digress…

I’ll run in the rain, the wind, and the cold, if for no other reason than to overcome the guilt of not doing it, but also because I know the misery associated with coming back in the spring after a winter layoff (not fun at all, that one). Oh, and I’m going to gripe about it a little bit, too. I’m no different than most other southern runners in that respect; we complain about how hard it is to breathe the cold air and how we can’t quite seem to get the “too much vs. not enough” clothing equation right. And let’s not forget the shortened daylight hours that relegate most of us to running in the dark, wearing some silly little reflective band around an ankle or, perish the thought- a headlamp.

But I’ll do it despite the misery, because I know this is the south and the winter won’t last forever. Meanwhile I’ll run and think about sunnier days to come.

On Running

I run. It’s hard to explain why sometimes (aside from the obvious health benefits) but I do it anyway. The thing is, I don’t have to run anymore, but I do it anyway. The Marine Corps is why I started in the first place, but those days are past me. I even resented it a little in those early days, unable to see the upside and what it had to offer, seeing it instead as just another command barked by someone with a heavier collar. But now it transcends all that. 

Now I run because I want to. I have to. I need to. 

I’ve learned, after twenty-five years of it, that there is a very special physical place that is only attainable through hard, heart-wrecking, cardiovascular exertion. Runner’s high? Hardly. There’s nothing high about it for me. In fact, it sucks. It sucks bad. But in that moment when I realize how bad it sucks, and simultaneously realize that I can function at that level and in that condition, I overcome it all. It becomes clear that the challenge I’ve undertaken will not, in fact, kill me. It will actually demonstrate once again that I’ve not only underestimated myself, but the human capacity to endure suffering. I revel in that moment more than any other, perhaps because all of the doubt, dread, and fear that I experienced leading up to that moment simply falls away, meaningless. 

A friend posted on social media today how running has changed his life. He gave credit to God for it, and went on to explain how he runs for God. It works for him; the whole running/connection to God thing. I don’t doubt for a minute what he says about his inspiration and his journey, and it makes me smile. He also mentioned me, and whatever small part I might have played in his running. I never set out to inspire anyone, but for him to give me even a sliver of credit for his success is flattering. The credit for the things he’s done belong only to him and God, as he stated. He’s found that place: the place in the midst of the misery where he can compartmentalize the pain and suffering and realize that he will continue to prevail. 

And that’s why I love running and the misery it brings- it’s a small representation of the human experience and the capacity to prevail over the suffering we are all destined to endure. It sucks, but this too shall pass. 

Things Have Changed, Redux

A mere twenty days ago I published a silly piece titled, Things Have Changed, where I talked about how my life is pleasantly different after leaving law enforcement. Today, I found out that for all the things that changed, some important things remain the same.

Soon after getting home from work this evening, I was mindlessly perusing the brain-numbing world of Facebook (oh, how close I’ve come to just deleting that whole mess) when I came across a local news post that made my heart sink: “Hall County Deputy Shot While Serving Murder Warrant.” Understand, I always feel some trepidation when I see such a headline for any agency, but the Hall County Sheriff’s Office was my agency. And since it was a murder warrant, that means it was likely the SWAT team or one of the special ops teams serving the warrant, which means it was likely someone that I worked side-by-side with, or at least knew pretty well. 

I stared numbly at the phone for a minute with a knot in my stomach, recalling an incident several years ago on a SWAT operation where a very good friend suffered a severe gunshot to his arm. All of my contacts on the team were likely still tied up with the minutia and moving parts that go along with any officer involved shooting, but especially one in which an officer is wounded. Do I start speed-dialing all of them? Texting? I still didn’t know who it was; what if I indadvertently reach out to the one who’s been shot? In the end, I quickly scanned all the news outlets and confirmed that they were all saying, “non-life threatening injuries” and elected to send a group text to a select few on the team with a simple message that I knew they would understand at a glance: “???????”

I was immediately rewarded with a reply from one of them: “Holy shit bro. Give me a few and I will call.” A slight wave of relief came over me at that point, not because I knew anything more, but just because I had the comfort of communication from a comrade- someone with whom I’d gone through hostile doors and lived to tell the tale, a guy who’s been with me when I’m at my best and my worst. After a short time I was able to talk to a couple of the guys and get the inside story, but most importantly I learned that our guy was going to be okay, despite being hit with a shotgun blast to the arm. The perpetrator was killed on the spot by another one of our guys before he could do any more damage. I ended those phone calls with a lump in my throat out of sheer relief, but also with a little sadness that I wasn’t there with them.

Please don’t misunderstand, I never got into law enforcement to hurt anyone. I was not sad that I wasn’t there to shoot the bad guy. I was sad that my friends went through that without me. Not that they aren’t all capable men, but there’s an indescribable bond among those who have taken up arms together for a just cause. Some things can’t be adequately related in words or writing, in pictures or film. There is simply no experience in the world like riding to the sound of the guns, looking over the sights of a weapon at another human being and seeing the fear, rage, or indifference in their eyes, and having milliseconds to make The Choice… shoot or don’t shoot? Justified or not justified? Live or die? It’s exhilarating, terrifying, gratifying, and utterly exhausting all at once. It’s the most sobering reality and emboldening life experience I’ve ever known. It’s larger than life.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

– Ernest Hemingway

And that will never change.