Month: October 2015

A Runner’s Autumn

~ Stephen Wilbanks ~ Leave a comment

The last few days have been cold (relatively speaking, this is Georgia, after all), rainy, and windy. It’s almost November, so yes, it’s supposed to cool off, I get it.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Last week I ran in shorts and came close to ditching the shirt.

I don’t generally mind the change of weather this time of year, but when it comes to running I like it hot- the hotter the better. I’m talking about the kind of hot where I’m breaking out in a flop-sweat within five strides of starting. The kind of hot where the sweat rolls off in streams and I don’t even entertain the idea of taking my shirt with me.

Side bar: Sorry, but yes, I’m quite often that guy: running unashamedly shirtless if at all possible. It feels great and trust me, if you ever run shirtless- for the guys, obviously- or in a sports bra for you ladies, you’ll forever have to calculate another factor into your running logistics: the shIMG_2740irt decision.

“Is it really hot enough?”… “Did I put on sunscreen?”… “Did I do abs yesterday?”… “Will my route take me somewhere that my shirtlessness might cause for concern among the locals, prompting a call to the authorities?”

But I digress…

I’ll run in the rain, the wind, and the cold, if for no other reason than to overcome the guilt of not doing it, but also because I know the misery associated with coming back in the spring after a winter layoff (not fun at all, that one). Oh, and I’m going to gripe about it a little bit, too. I’m no different than most other southern runners in that respect; we complain about how hard it is to breathe the cold air and how we can’t quite seem to get the “too much vs. not enough” clothing equation right. And let’s not forget the shortened daylight hours that relegate most of us to running in the dark, wearing some silly little reflective band around an ankle or, perish the thought- a headlamp.

But I’ll do it despite the misery, because I know this is the south and the winter won’t last forever. Meanwhile I’ll run and think about sunnier days to come.

On Running

~ Stephen Wilbanks ~ Leave a comment

I run. It’s hard to explain why sometimes (aside from the obvious health benefits) but I do it anyway. The thing is, I don’t have to run anymore, but I do it anyway. The Marine Corps is why I started in the first place, but those days are past me. I even resented it a little in those early days, unable to see the upside and what it had to offer, seeing it instead as just another command barked by someone with a heavier collar. But now it transcends all that. 

Now I run because I want to. I have to. I need to. 

I’ve learned, after twenty-five years of it, that there is a very special physical place that is only attainable through hard, heart-wrecking, cardiovascular exertion. Runner’s high? Hardly. There’s nothing high about it for me. In fact, it sucks. It sucks bad. But in that moment when I realize how bad it sucks, and simultaneously realize that I can function at that level and in that condition, I overcome it all. It becomes clear that the challenge I’ve undertaken will not, in fact, kill me. It will actually demonstrate once again that I’ve not only underestimated myself, but the human capacity to endure suffering. I revel in that moment more than any other, perhaps because all of the doubt, dread, and fear that I experienced leading up to that moment simply falls away, meaningless. 

A friend posted on social media today how running has changed his life. He gave credit to God for it, and went on to explain how he runs for God. It works for him; the whole running/connection to God thing. I don’t doubt for a minute what he says about his inspiration and his journey, and it makes me smile. He also mentioned me, and whatever small part I might have played in his running. I never set out to inspire anyone, but for him to give me even a sliver of credit for his success is flattering. The credit for the things he’s done belong only to him and God, as he stated. He’s found that place: the place in the midst of the misery where he can compartmentalize the pain and suffering and realize that he will continue to prevail. 

And that’s why I love running and the misery it brings- it’s a small representation of the human experience and the capacity to prevail over the suffering we are all destined to endure. It sucks, but this too shall pass. 

Things Have Changed, Redux

~ Stephen Wilbanks ~ Leave a comment

A mere twenty days ago I published a silly piece titled, Things Have Changed, where I talked about how my life is pleasantly different after leaving law enforcement. Today, I found out that for all the things that changed, some important things remain the same.

Soon after getting home from work this evening, I was mindlessly perusing the brain-numbing world of Facebook (oh, how close I’ve come to just deleting that whole mess) when I came across a local news post that made my heart sink: “Hall County Deputy Shot While Serving Murder Warrant.” Understand, I always feel some trepidation when I see such a headline for any agency, but the Hall County Sheriff’s Office was my agency. And since it was a murder warrant, that means it was likely the SWAT team or one of the special ops teams serving the warrant, which means it was likely someone that I worked side-by-side with, or at least knew pretty well. 

I stared numbly at the phone for a minute with a knot in my stomach, recalling an incident several years ago on a SWAT operation where a very good friend suffered a severe gunshot to his arm. All of my contacts on the team were likely still tied up with the minutia and moving parts that go along with any officer involved shooting, but especially one in which an officer is wounded. Do I start speed-dialing all of them? Texting? I still didn’t know who it was; what if I indadvertently reach out to the one who’s been shot? In the end, I quickly scanned all the news outlets and confirmed that they were all saying, “non-life threatening injuries” and elected to send a group text to a select few on the team with a simple message that I knew they would understand at a glance: “???????”

I was immediately rewarded with a reply from one of them: “Holy shit bro. Give me a few and I will call.” A slight wave of relief came over me at that point, not because I knew anything more, but just because I had the comfort of communication from a comrade- someone with whom I’d gone through hostile doors and lived to tell the tale, a guy who’s been with me when I’m at my best and my worst. After a short time I was able to talk to a couple of the guys and get the inside story, but most importantly I learned that our guy was going to be okay, despite being hit with a shotgun blast to the arm. The perpetrator was killed on the spot by another one of our guys before he could do any more damage. I ended those phone calls with a lump in my throat out of sheer relief, but also with a little sadness that I wasn’t there with them.

Please don’t misunderstand, I never got into law enforcement to hurt anyone. I was not sad that I wasn’t there to shoot the bad guy. I was sad that my friends went through that without me. Not that they aren’t all capable men, but there’s an indescribable bond among those who have taken up arms together for a just cause. Some things can’t be adequately related in words or writing, in pictures or film. There is simply no experience in the world like riding to the sound of the guns, looking over the sights of a weapon at another human being and seeing the fear, rage, or indifference in their eyes, and having milliseconds to make The Choice… shoot or don’t shoot? Justified or not justified? Live or die? It’s exhilarating, terrifying, gratifying, and utterly exhausting all at once. It’s the most sobering reality and emboldening life experience I’ve ever known. It’s larger than life.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

– Ernest Hemingway

And that will never change.